Have you ever came to the observation that really a lot of people are obsessed with mating, either short or long term, talking about it most of the time and being so much emotionally attached to its outcomes? Have you ever caught yourselves? Although it is so common, it is supposed to be a taboo in open discussions. Societal rules seem to be judging it as something intimate to the point of secrecy.
When we think of Darwin’s theory of evolution, probably the first words that come to our mind are survive and replicate. When we are studying nature in evolutionary terms the most successful organisms are the ones that are the most successful in those two above terms. In the first decades after the first publishing of the theory of evolution, what scientists believed mattered most was survival. An organism had to be shaped well enough by natural selection in order to be able to survive in the, more often than not, competitive environment. However, after this period scientists came to crucial findings that followed the above hypothesis: “How successful is a gene that can stay alive for quite much time but never manage to be reproduced?” This of course is a total evolutionary failure; the gene is extinguished after an insignificant amount of time.
What follows next is something major. The simplest and most specific characterisation of a being is “reproductive machine”. Everything we define alive is genetically “wired” to – above all – try to reproduce. You can understand how high this drive must be. If you observe nature you can see males engaging in deadly fights among them to prove to the female they are a better pray for mating. The females risk even their lives to mate and get another male’s sexy genes without their male provider noticing. For those of you not aware cuckoldry is very common in nature reaching up to 50% in some species.
In human beings we cannot say that there is not something similar happening. Many fights among men have taken place for a woman’s eyes. Even the Trojan War is not confirmed that was only for land and gold. Maybe it was, also, a revenge for the ransom of the gorgeous “Helen of Troy.” Or look at how many health implications we cause in order to gain some beauty points (Plastic surgeries, piercing, hair, strict diets et cetera).
Even though I have to compare humans with nature as we are definitely a part of it and in fact we are not so far from it, I have to look from the other side, from the side of consciousness only a human can acquire. We are studying tendencies that come from a genetic predisposition. What happens when this tendency is exaggerated by the environment? For example humans love sugar because it is very useful in providing with many calories which were useful in the scarcity of the jungle. Sweet companies advertise their products in a way leaving almost no choice to us but consume them.
After accepting our strong natural tendency on mating let’s talk about the stimulation from our social environment on this. Men are overexposed to ideas about multiple mating. They are told brave stories from their fathers, media in their majority overpresent sexy women and raise an attitude of many lays as a kind of achievement. Women read romantic literature, follow discussions in the media with recommendations about successful relationships and admire openly famous, beautiful men with resources. Most of them think that this level they deserve.
Both sexes are brainwashed with the specific information in order to exaggerate their natural needs. Men want to increase their reproductive chances by mating a lot while women need a good provider. Sadly most of the times both fail. Divorces have reached the 50% in most of the western countries and I really wonder how many of the other 50% live happily. The reason is very important!
They both engage in short term thinking. That excessive obsession with sexuality nowadays doesn’t leave them space to see the bigger picture. Mating is a part of social life. It is not something separate. In order to be successful in mating you need to improve your overall social skills. We have to really see what kind of people we are in order to understand what we deserve. What attitude we project. You are a product that every time you leave home you enter the market. If you have the quality of the Prada shoes then you attract the best customers. If you have the quality of the fake ones then you attract the corresponding audience. If you are playful and you are having nice time in your environment then that’s all. If you bring people close to you and they feel warmth about you then some of them will be attracted to you if that’s your problem. Do not engage in only what you want but in what character you build!
Society provides you with some prescriptive models of mating. With that I mean that it tries to categorise or even worse channel mating behaviours and put people in these categories. For example, men and women base their credibility from the fact of just being married. Look at politicians, they advertise their marriage and it’s really hard to find an unmarried one. Men and women’s behaviour falls under scrutiny if being unmarried after an age. Men are also brainwashed to prove themselves to the women they like to bond. Do not bite their innocence about epic marriages and romanticisms all the time. You may achieve them, I don’t mean to be pessimistic and miserable. However, this mentality makes you feel bad if you think you don’t have them, yet. Or feel bad when you are in a relationship and you are not really up for it, when you remain in a boring relationship. Not to mention the ideology behind valentine’s day. You want to avoid this way of thinking. Most of these times these things are not even real, these people, the media, know how to project the stories, how to manage our perception. Life is fun and no one was born having signed a contract to confirm the steadiness of his/her mating life. First of all you need free positive feelings in your life whatever the cause. And you need to avoid the bad ones.
It’s a pity to see so many people failing in school or in the university, guys wasting months obsessed about a lost relationship and girls losing one year’s fun with their friends because of depression. Don’t forget that our polygamous nature has shaped us able to overcome a breaking up. This is what commonly happens, it just needs time. Our goal is to reduce it. Mating is play and this is how it should be accepted.
Breaking up is painful but it’s part of life, no one promised no pain in this dimension. And remember, pair-bonding happens situationally, you just need to be open.