Dating. The first thing that comes to our minds when two people are trying to establish a relationship between them. At least this is how we are supposed to believe it works…
According to what we accept as normal, the female will meet a male that finds attractive and they will exchange phones. If the male is attracted, too – a thing not so uncommon – he will engage in several phone calls and in the provision of resources of any kind such as help in the lessons, company and active listening to the things that concern her. It is extremely possible that he will explain how more caring he is compared to the other unconcerned males (probably her X that she talks about all the time?). In the case he has done well in all of them the girl is supposed to accept the invitation (that sooner or later will arrive) to go with him for a drink or a coffee proving clearly that there are chances of “something to happen”. Definitely, that doesn’t mean that this is the end of the road for the male because one coffee or drink will be followed by several coffees and endless dinners, with sex not arriving in its date with the two people.
The Domestic-Bliss Strategy
Dawkins had described this as the domestic-bliss strategy. As many times mentioned in the literature, the males in most of the species, apart from being handsome, they need to be good providers, as well. In the case the female gets pregnant from a male that shows traits of infidelity or not being protective or not being able to provide her and her offspring with security, she is probably going to face several obvious difficulties. As an example, several female birds may show signs of attraction to a male but there is no copulation taking place until the male has built the nest.
Of course, this is logical, also, for humans. However, human beings’ social relationships are far more complex than in any other animal. And although this is an advantage it can definitely be used in a disadvantageous way when some ethics or common needs are wrongly interpreted and become exaggerated. Yes, the male has to be a nice guy, he has to possess resources and yes, he has to be disposed to provide to his mate. But only up to a point. Whatever he does or provides with a straight goal to convince the female to copulate with him is a mistake and mostly a disrespect to his own self. This act is commonly called supplication. Undoubtedly, the borders between providing and supplicating are not clear but everyone can look at himself honestly and pose the question what is the real reason he is behaving this way, to convince the woman to like him or because he is just like this. Don’t forget that natural selection hasn’t shaped us too capable of consciously understanding our true needs so we are just making cognitive speculations about our conditions. This means that, for instance, many men in their effort to seduce a woman through kindness they typically convince themselves that this is their true character. However, immediately after the rejection their attitude is transformed to an angry and revengeful manner.
I mentioned in the previous paragraph that supplication is a disrespect to oneself. This act advertises his own acceptance of incapability of attracting the woman just with the character he already owes. So in order to succeed he uses several rational ways to “buy” her attraction. If you deeply understand the laws, you’ll notice that what matters is not exactly the resources a man owes but his character’s qualities that made him capable of acquiring them and his potential of acquiring more. Things are getting worse if you take into account that women are shaped extremely competent in understanding the predispositions of a man that courts them. The interesting thing is that most men do not have a clue how clear this is. Think of a man who is taking a woman rides with his car whenever and wherever she chooses, or talks to her on the phone for hours, or pays for her drinks because he believes he is a very nice and polite guy so the female will definitely be attracted by his manners whereas the woman at the same time is pretty aware that, through these actions, he is doing his best to overcome his personality’s weaknesses. Do you think that this is admirable? To make it clear, another guy that likes going out for rides with his car in general, it’s a part of his lifestyle, he does it all the time with his friends and chooses to do the same thing with a girl he likes, then, yes, this may sound attractive.
You see, it’s not about the words or what we think we show to others but about the core character that is projected.
In the situation of supplication there are two possibilities. If the girl is abundant he will enter the friend zone; the girl will be polite stating that she sees him in a friendly predisposition and only. She will do this intelligently in order not to waste a social connection by disappointing and maybe angry him through a straight rejection. If the girl behaves in a “value-taking” manner she will continue dragging his resources or time or company or whatever else by continuing to “sell” her attraction. The above are two different female mating strategies. Others use the first, others the second and the most socially intelligent ones a combination of the two according to circumstances.
All the above comes from a very basic foundation which says that begging is extremely aversive to humans. Either it is for resources, or it is for company, or it is for sex et c. You can now understand that supplication is an advertisement of begging for sex. It can now be clear what really happened when men that thought that had behaved perfectly (committed a lot) got rejected or faced resistance towards their goal without understanding the reasons behind which leads them, most of the times, to misjudge women.
When you come close to lose something you are used to possess
Moreover, think how humans behave when they feel they have acquired something and somehow, with no inappropriate reasons, they feel that they are losing it. Imagine the following: You have planned to go to your favourite restaurant with your favourite food and you feel very happy for this. In this restaurant you go usually and the service seems to treat you in a very respectful way, so much that you enjoy that bossy feeling that you get there. So you prepare yourself, you feel the abundance of the perfect meal you are going to enjoy, you have made the booking and you are mentally ready to get the most out of it. You arrive at the restaurant and you have to prepay an amount for the meal. Out of a sudden your card seems not to be working and you don’t have cash with you. At that time there is a chance that you may lose for this day all the beautiful things planned although you are used to be treated like a boss. A spontaneous reaction of course would be to try by any means to acquire the money needed (maybe borrow from a friend) in order not to lose the so much expected meal.
In the field of mating imagine a woman used to continuously being approached by men that try hard to impress her, give her presents and offer several services abundantly. And someday she faces a different situation, opposite to the above, where the male that courts her is not offering any services except if she proves by her behaviour that she deserves it, as it would be normal in any human interaction. In single words, the man is treating and judging her socially and not sexually. Like let’s say she was a man. Provide to her because he wants to and not because her eggs are more valuable than his sperm (The Choosing Sex). This behaviour is going to give birth to her respect and not the opposite, the supplication.
At the same time a man that treats women in a social manner advertises to the unconsciousness of the other people that is abundant in mating. Because only a man with a lack of sexual life would see women as sexual objects and only. And it is obvious that a man who supplicates, typically sees women as sexual objects as he exchanges his whole reputation for possibly some “love”.
However, the most important thing that has to do with the restaurant example is that this behaviour will boost her spontaneous-uncontrollable reaction to acquire back what she already holded steadily, the men’s infinite commitment. She will start acting nervously and most of the times mistakenly, following strategies that had worked with people wired to social programming and beliefs about princes and princesses below the sunset. She will start seeking rapport with several different ways such as finding excuses to ask him about something out of context or she will find ways to make him find out that she is interested in someone else et c.
Nothing is hidden under the Sun
Although, all the above look somehow like a strategic plan, they are not. Because in the long term there can be no theatre played, the masks are falling. If a man tries to pretend he is not reactive but he has placed the woman in a pedestal (in his mind), he will sooner or later be exposed if he hasn’t been already. If a woman wants to pretend she is open minded but is not, this will be revealed after some time although men will on average recognise it later compared to women.
In the case a person is kind, is supplicating, is sexually abundant, is value giver et c will be clear, earlier than he thinks, from his body language, from his behaviour, from his voice tonality and from millions of other traits and indicators. Not all of them will be observed from consciousness but the unconsciousness, trust me, will be too aware of this. What mostly counts is the character one has created. This way he doesn’t need any plan and he is not thinking on how to behave in the particular situations, he acts as his character and he is consistent and thus respectable.
Specifically on Dating
As for the context of dating specifically there is another problem. Dating by definition puts the whole concept under 100% rational circumstances whereas mating is typically an emotional state. Dr. Desmond Morris had wisely mentioned that human mating works indirectly and situationally. People try to fit it in direct and expected forms. And although men of course don’t care about the circumstances, women do. And they should not be blamed up to a point because they have matured under vast social pressure about their sexual intimacy (Madonna/Whore Dichotomy). They face the fear of being judged as “easy” so when the things go upfront many – unconsciously – make a step back. In order to “break these chains” they need an energizing environment in simple words. And where else can you find less energy than in a dating dinner? So the dates keep going when maybe after the 2nd or 3rd, contact is totally lost.
As I had written in Is Mating Obligatory? I believe it is not a wise thing to consciously set specific goals in terms of mating and particular people you want to attract. These missions… The mind may work like this but we need to oppose to it. Because this way it’s highly probable that you may see the other person as the person you want to meet and not as the one he or she really is. By generally being sociable you both increase your skills and create more opportunities of indirect and situational happenings, you seem to be acting the natural way. To my own eyes this is a way to avoid being goal driven in your actions, instead you enjoy the journey. And after you know the people you meet better, you are free to choose which ones you think deserve to be important for you.