The Choosing Sex


“Let’s go out pick some girls”. This is a very typical phrase for human males when they are heading to a party or to a club. I mention this because I have to admit that it was a phrase very typically used by me, too, in my earlier years although the results most of the time had not been so effective.

This belief is proven to be contradictory to a basic principle of evolutionary psychology called “Parental Investment” and I am going to explain why below.

Charles Darwin when first published his theory of Evolution had noticed that in nature most of the times the males where the ones that were trying to impress the females in order to copulate with them. Normally the female would advertise that is on fertility days and then the males would compete to have sex with her. The male birds are trying to sing better, the deers are crossing their horns, the gorillas are fighting et c.  That happens to most of the species and the traits that are found sexy differ through them although several patterns can be observed. Till 1964 humanity that believes in equality in all aspects seemed not to be able to explain this phenomenon. At that year the biologist Dr. Robert Trivers published his famous theory of Parental Investment and provided an important explanation to this.

According to dr. Trivers the sex that is going to make the choice in the sexual selection is going to be the one that invests more. Imagine a business with an investor and several people interested in participating in the business as employees and not partners. The choice of course is going to be made by the one who spends the money. As nasty as it may seems evolution works this way. It is about the benefits and the costs of decision making of every individual. Evolution doesn’t care about ethical rules. So, in humans a fertilisation costs to a female around 60,000 calories, a change in the body, several psychological implications and many other complications. To men it costs sometimes just 5 minutes and 2digit calories. At the same time human females can only have one birth per year when males can create maybe 5 or who knows how many per day (Coolidge Effect). Remember in evolution what matters most is how many healthy and fertile descendants an individual can create.


As a matter of fact, females choose mates that, apart from looks, have high status and resources, and who indicate they will invest in their offspring and provide them security. In most of the animals males are sexually useful to women not only for fertilisation but also for helping in the nurturing of the offspring so the latter ones have better chances of survival. The more help for the raising of the children is needed the more the species tend towards monogamy. The level of monogamy in humans is serially discussed as it is a very adaptive species however; in my own eyes, the arguments against the existence of human polygamy do not seem adequate enough.

The above facts put women to the side of the chooser as they are investing much more. A very informative example had come from the man that has influenced my life’s mentality more than anyone else, Iraklis Kiriakakis. He used to say: “Imagine being in a club. A woman raises her hand and shouts I want to have sex right now. Of course she will see a crowd of men approaching. At another situation a man raises his hand and shouts I want to have sex. Of course he will see a “crowd” of tomatoes approaching.” And this truth can create even depressions to men that are becoming jealous – consciously or unconsciously – to women because women can “have it easily”. I used to be one of these men.

There are foundations in nature. First of all you have to accept them or else blame god. Secondly another rule is that nothing comes without a cost. Women may be able to have sex easily but sadly this is not enough for them, they are choosier and it is more difficult by nature to settle although from the average man’s perspective they should be enthusiastic for their “natural luck”. Moreover, the choice is among men and not among women. I mean men are contesting men and not women. In the end the ones that have better attributes or the ones who are shaping themselves to evolve better attributes will be more successful. Bonding has always been happening and will always be happening. Same with women but from their differently adapted mind’s side.

shy-womanA good question would be why then females are the ones that mostly care for their beauty and their style. An individual could see it as women are the ones that are competing because they spend a lot of time and money on it. The reason is that they are trying to have better chances on mating by increasing this way their mating value. It has been several times proven that in a woman’s mating value external beauty is more important than in a man’s where there are other traits, such as the security he can offer that matter similarly. Furthermore, sexual selection works bidirectional but in different weights on the two sexes. Of course a man, also, cannot have even short term mating with a woman he is not attracted at all. It is just that females are much choosier. They are competing among them for men with higher status and good appearance, trying to raise attraction and attach a man with high mating value. They seem to be focused on scanning around for men with resources and other sexually selected traits such as intelligence whereas men seem to be focused on trying to prove that they are appropriate for mating to the women they find beautiful. The majority of all this takes place in the subconscious level and only the minority appears in the light of consciousness especially to people with low intrapersonal intelligence.

From a man’s perspective, then, more natural would be to be aware of women attracted to him and afterwards choose among the ones he had been chosen. It seems that men are hunters only for mammoths and other animals and not for women. In that game they are probably the prey. By cold approaching the chances are much less according to theory and practice. And by generally trying hard to impress is what women deep in their hearts hate on men (to be placed in the pedestal). It seems quite obvious in everyday life that in terms of mating, women most of the times play indoors. Most men have to overcome several psychological boundaries and build a character through time in order to reach the point that many girls had automatically reached from their early age because of their appearance. Of course this is the one side of the coin because on the other is that generally women start in a very early age and definitely far before their 30’s to lose what they had easily earned before, unless they build a character, too.

There have been several experiments conducted but I am closing with the most famous one which is the Florida State University Experiment. Psychologist Russell Clark put male and female students walk around campus and ask the exact following question to students of the other sex:  “I have been noticing you around campus. I find you to be attractive. Would you go to bed with me tonight?” Guess what? 75% of the men asked, replied yes while many of them found it to be their lucky day! The ones who replied no used an excuse such as, “I am married”. Simultaneously, not even a woman accepted the request and most of the times they asked the guy to leave them alone.

Wodaabe tribe' s girl choosing a partner from the performing men during the Gerewol Festival, north of Abalak, Nigeria.

Wodaabe tribe’ s girl choosing a partner from the performing men during the Gerewol Festival, north of Abalak, Nigeria.